... when you just don't care enough to send the very best.
I am seriously crispy with all the chaos and personal interaction lately. Individually, none of the events would be that traumatic or overwhelming or unmanageable, but everything all at once like this has put a serious dent in my mental state and ability to function. My anxiety is riding just below panic attack levels consistently, my ability to eat and sleep is all jacked up, and I basically feel like a hollowed out dry husk right now (albeit a quivering, vibrating one). The least little thing is enough to set me off, and I just want to go hide in a deep, dark cave for a few weeks to recuperate. I have zero energy reserves, despite any frantic/OCD motivation I may have to get things done.
I'm already starting to have difficulties dealing with people... the first sign that side of things is going downhill is when I can't parse what they're are saying anymore. Yup, already there! It's like trying to follow the bouncing ball on screen, but the words are moving too fast and nothing makes sense, and I keep losing whole chunks of what their saying like the audio is cutting out. Add in all the phone conversations (which I already have a hard time parsing) this week, and my little noodle is thoroughly over-cooked. Even though I'm home alone right now in the relative silence, even Ripley and Charlie's little noises and comments are tweaking me out and I'm about ready to go kill the friggin' song birds who are twittering outside non-stop... if those loud squawking ravens come back, they're going to be .22LR target practice for sure! I literally cannot deal.
These past few weeks are probably the most trying on the anxiety front since we got out here. I seriously, seriously, seriously, please God have mercy, hope that it's not indicator of a permanent change of state around the place... or else I may have to move to Greenland or Antarctica. I feel bad because it's not that I have anything against people personally, or that I am Scroodgey and don't want to be helpful, or that I am angry/frustrated/feel taken advantage of or whatever.... I just can't physically/mentally/emotionally deal with it at these levels for long durations. I mean, there are periods when even just having my husband and animals around is too much!! I just hope my new neighbors and everyone in town can understand and not take it personally or hold it against me because I'm a bit broken and wired funky. I don't want them to disintegrate, nor do I feel like they are a burden... I just need a bit more quiet space and time to recharge between interactions. Maybe I'm just oversensitive, but I have had so many issues with folks getting angry/upset with me because of the Aspergers and anxiety before... I just don't want it to happen again since I plan to be here permanently and don't want any troubles.
Flip me over and turn down the heat, cuz I'm certainly burnt on this side!